There’s no doubt that one of the easiest ways to learn a new language is to live in that language, to take total immersion in the most literal sense of the word and completely surround yourself with the language you’re learning. What better a way to do that then, than to find a partner who is a native speaker of your second (or third or fourth as the case may be) and learn the language through love?

There is no doubt that in China many friendships and romances start on the premise of “language exchange,” to the point where even the phrase is often used as sly euphemism for exchanges involving more than just language. Most foreigners in China are used to being accosted by well-meaning Chinese folk who would like to practice their English. Most of us can relate to feeling a bit irritated when we’re stopped in the street by an eager young college student who would like to “make friends and practice my English.” We find it distasteful when we’re chosen for friendship based on nothing more than a foreign appearance, a signal to most Chinese people that we probably speak English, rather than personality or common interests. The cynical among us might think, or even say, that English teaching is a job, not something I would choose to do on my spare time for strangers. And when it comes to romance, most foreign men and women would be hurt to learn that their significant other was only in it for the linguistic benefits.

So why, then, do we not cringe at ourselves when we consider doing the same thing? Foreigners can often be heard to say that the best way to learn Chinese is to date someone who doesn’t speak English, to learn from your partner. Our Chinese significant others are assumed to be happy to take on the role of teacher, the same role that we are selves are so reluctant to have foisted upon us when placed in the same position, perhaps because they are relatively lacking in opportunities to teach Chinese to foreign friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, whereas the opportunities for foreigners to teach English (even if they don’t speak it!) to Chinese friends are aplenty. It might seem a novel proposition at first, hooking up for the purpose of language, but how long before our Chinese partners will begin to feel as used as we can when treated like our main attraction is the color of our passport or the clarity of the words that come out of our mouths?

No doubt, it is effective to learn a language from your significant other. I know several couples who started off completely reliant upon dictionaries in order to communicate with their boyfriends (or girlfriends) but, after a year or more together, were stringing together basic communications in each others’ languages. My own relationship with my husband has been very good for my Chinese skills, which started off, at the beginning of our relationship at a decent technical level, but were clearly lacking a certain something needed to bring it to life. My husband and I speak Chinese to each other and to our children and not a day goes by where I don’t speak Mandarin, whereas sometimes I can go days without speaking English. My Chinese speaking marriage has given me a level of fluency that would be hard to come by without an environment like this one, enabling me to “think” in Chinese, speak without translating first from English, to joke in Chinese as well as fight in Chinese. My husband’s English, unfortunately, has not improved since we don’t speak English together. The role of a teacher and the role of a husband or wife are not always compatible. My Chinese did not improve because my husband sat down and taught me anything, but rather because languages are meant to be used, and must be used for progress to be made, and living with my non-English speaking husband provided me with that opportunity. My husband’s English, on the other hand, is not at the level where we could get anywhere trying to use it as our primary mode of communication. He would need formal instruction in English to make his English functional enough to use on a daily basis, and while I may be many things to my husband, English teacher I am not.

When I posed this question to my husband, should foreigners find a Chinese partner in order to learn Chinese, he said no. When I pressed him as to why, he said that relationships are a matter of fate. You may reap many benefits from your relationship with a Chinese person – you might get better deals when bargaining, you’ll have a built-in business partner if you want to open up shop in China, you’ll be eligible for a super-cool year-long L visa, and yes, your Chinese might improve. But the primary motivation when it comes to friendships as well as love should be a honest desire to spend time with the other person, regardless of what’s in it for you. And while many Chinese people might profess not to mind being used as a girlfriend and language tutor all rolled into one, try and imagine what it would feel like if the shoe was on the other foot.

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Related Links

Making (and Keeping) Chinese Friends
Language Partners and Tutors
Language Barriers

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