Monster-in-Law? Common Tensions between Foreign Spouses and Chinese Mothers

Monster-in-Law? Common Tensions between Foreign Spouses and Chinese Mothers
Feb 03, 2015 By eChinacities.com

Editor’s note: This article, translated from wenxuecity.com, discusses common tensions that arise between foreign partners and Chinese mothers-in-law. The article follows the stories of three couples and their relationship with the Chinese spouse’s mother and explains the problems from the Chinese mother-in-law’s point of view.

In each of the stories the problems appear to be portrayed as the fault of a lack of understanding on the part of the son-in-law: however, the fundamental problem across the board seems to be expectations that each conforms to the other’s culture and a lack of communication on both sides; an essential part of any relationship.
As emigration and study abroad become more and more popular for the younger set, the number of transnational marriages has increased as well. Often when the families of those in transnational marriages come together there is a large amount of friction between family members of different cultures, particularly between foreigners and their Chinese mothers-in-law. This often leaves Chinese mothers-in-law feeling helpless and sad. It seems that it is hard for foreign spouses to appreciate and understand their Chinese partner's mother and her motives.

Mother-in-law
Photo: InCultureParent

1) American son-in-law only does volunteer work, has no income

Note: In the following stories, the Chinese mothers-in-law are referred to as A, B and C.

A had a daughter who was an only child. When studying abroad became a popular option for Chinese parents, she sent her daughter overseas to study. Her daughter worked hard and found a local job after graduation. She wanted to stay abroad for a long time because she enjoyed the freedom and independence available to her in a foreign country. A was reluctant, but her daughter was very eager to live abroad so they finally agreed on it. Naturally, her daughter found a local husband while abroad and they settled down and get married.

Issues came up quickly. A's new son-in-law was an American citizen. He was a big advocate of pursuing his dreams. He worked as a volunteer in the community but had no other income. The couple rented a small apartment together. When A learned this, she shook her head and began to fear that her daughter was suffering by living with foreigners.

A decided to sell her own home in China in order to help her daughter and son-in-law buy a house in the city that they lived in. She planned on moving in with them in their new house. However, A's new son-in-law did not appreciate A living in his house and did not realize she planned to help out with childcare in the future. He felt that having A in the house was a huge inconvenience and that she was “overly concerned,” about the way that they lived. He felt that having A around violated their privacy as a couple and his relationship with his wife became increasingly strained.

Finally, feeling helpless to her husband's requests, A's daughter sent her mother to a local nursing home in order to save her marriage. For foreigners, sending an older relative to live in a nursing home is completely normal. In terms of Chinese traditional culture however, sending a relative to a nursing home is seen as extremely disrespectful. Poor A could not go back to China and had to spend the rest of her life lonely in a foreign country.

2) Daughter and Son-in-Law Split All Expenses 50/50, Mother Supports Daughter Financially

B is another typical Chinese mother who decided to send her daughter overseas for her education. B was a single mother and always felt indebted to her daughter. She was always busy with work while her daughter was growing up and had no time to take care of her. She tried to make up for it by always trying to meet her daughter's material needs. Her daughter grew up to be an independent and headstrong woman. However, because she grew up with a lot of nice things, she often spent most of her paycheck despite the fact that she had a very high-paying job after graduation. She often asked her mother for money, even as an adult. Later on, she married a foreigner and lived with him in his country. Their marriage was very Western, all bills and expenses were split 50/50.

Her daughter's situation was good. Her mother gave her and her husband a house to live in. Her husband paid his half of the rent to her mother and her mother still gave her pocket money every month so that she could continue to spend a lot of money. Even when they were married, the daughter and her husband split everything, even the bill at a restaurant. When the daughter had a son, her mother wanted to come live with them and care for the child. Of course, the cost for this came out of B's own pocket.

The way that they split expenses and depended on others in their finances is not uncommon among young married couples. However, it is less common in foreign countries to be unconditionally dependent on one's mother for money and for that mother to move in with the young couple. In China, it is more common for a woman in her seventies to sacrifice and give her time and savings to her child's family. In this case, B also enthusiastically tried to learn English to connect with her new son-in-law. Her son-in-law never even thought about learning Chinese in order to make the older woman more comfortable. The son-in-law's parents never tried to care for the young couple like the daughter's mother did. B gave so much to her daughter and her son-in-law's parents gave close to nothing: the difference is too great!

3) Too Much Tension, Chinese Mother-in-Law Leaves Visit Early

C’s daughter studied overseas in Germany and didn't come back after finishing her degree. One year, on New Year's Day, the family traveled to Germany to visit her daughter and new son-in-law. C happily entered her daughter's apartment in Germany. After a week’s visit, C decided that the television set in the living room was too small and bought a newer, bigger one for them for a gift. When the new television set was delivered, C's son-in-law came home. At first, her son-in-law was surprised and then he became unhappy when he fully understood the situation. C pulled her daughter aside and asked why her son-in-law was upset. Her daughter said that her husband felt that it was disrespectful for C to take their original television and throw it out and replace it without asking. He saw the original television set as his own private property. C was very frustrated by this. She wanted to do a nice thing and buy her daughter a bigger television, but her son-in-law did not even say thank you and instead blamed her for doing something wrong. His reaction made C feel like an outsider in her own family.

After the incident, C went out of her way to be extra polite to her son-in-law. She was scared of accidentally offending him again and letting down her daughter. This turned out to be very difficult for C. Whenever C was cooking in the kitchen, her foreign son-in-law would go in and try to help her out. She would always turn him down, trying to be polite. This confused her son-in-law. He felt like it was his own house and he should be able to cook in the kitchen if he wanted to. Chinese people do not think it is polite for a mother-in-law to ask her son-in-law for help in the kitchen. However, her son-in-law felt that C was trying to take over his home. Tensions rose between the two and C ended up cutting her New Year’s vacation short and heading home early.

Source: wenxuecity

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Keywords: Chinese Mother in law Foreigners’ relationship with Chinese mother in law

30 Comments

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Guest2781358

what a slanted article

Feb 24, 2015 03:54 Report Abuse

SamSilva

With experience I learned the hard way that most, not only Chinese, not all, but MOST "in laws" especially mother in laws cause problems. So many mothers/older brothers, etc. think they know best. In the end, the mother in law/older brother have power/influence and will destroy a relationship/marriage. Chinese, ,, tend to put a $$$ as the most important value on everything. I agree $ value is important, but love is the most important in marriage.

Feb 10, 2015 14:09 Report Abuse

bigbshigo

chinese media should be ashamed to write this.

Feb 09, 2015 13:14 Report Abuse

Guest2503130

I'm often perplexed about the negative views on elderly people in China. I think it's the young that are arrogant, selfish and rude.

Feb 06, 2015 16:37 Report Abuse

gouxiong

I think this more indicates the culture difference in respect to parents and married couple relationship. Even though I do not share in the article described values and approaches so I am also not disturbed by such article. Firstly I think that for absolute majority of Chinese women this is totally irrelevant topic because they would anyway never think about marrying a foreigner. Those who want to marry a foreigner (for whatever reason as there can be many different reasons to do so) are relatively few and I assume they also believe they are ready to handle the culture differences (well that can come to haunt them later but this every person has to settle individually). At the end of the day everybody certainly realizes that cross culture relationship are not going to be easy anywhere in the world. But that does not mean that there are not many mixed couples living their happy lives. The article in my opinion just describes some of the striking differences between 'the Western approach' and 'Chinese approach' - apparently written by Chinese as there are huge simplifications in assumed motivation behind the acts. But these problems also face many pure Chinese couples who are living 'westernized' life. It simply describes the clash between two different approaches towards relationship and it's only natural that the writer considers his or her approach to be the proper one. We can everyday witness comparable situation on this site but from the other perspective. I did not get a feeling that the article is somehow aimed against foreigners even though it clearly does recommend to Chinese people to think twice before marrying one. In this respect I would even agree to the point that if a girl falls in love with a foreigner and marries him without considering the issues above and without being strongly decided to search for the compromise on many, from her perspective very natural approaches, so such marriage does not have a big chance to 'live happily ever after'. I do not find anything wrong with the article and assume that the main differences were in the extreme and simplified form described quite well.

Feb 06, 2015 10:51 Report Abuse

jixiang

Thanks for your well thought-out analysis. It's refreshing to have someone who doesn't express unreasonable prejudice against the other side.

Feb 06, 2015 12:12 Report Abuse

troycekey

What tripe.

Feb 05, 2015 15:06 Report Abuse

tsmithfi

Typical Chinese crap....why do the chicks like us anyway?

Feb 04, 2015 16:31 Report Abuse

Guest2301262

You'll have a better idea after they secure the citizenship card of your country.

Feb 04, 2015 19:18 Report Abuse

The-Final-Say

Stories like this will only excuse people in Beijing to hop into their BMWs and slam foreigner on the head with a baseball bat for asking his female colleague to assist with a banking transaction because they think said foreigner is stealing what few women local guys have to choose from. I think Chinese elders are sweet and while we have different ideas, the intention is there to do well unto each other, not harm. If one is willing to see each other in a positive light, this kind of story surely is not the norm.

Feb 04, 2015 13:40 Report Abuse

jixiang

The sort of conflicts which the article describes are ones which could really arise. On the other hand, I do think that phrases like "B gave so much to her daughter and her son-in-law's parents gave close to nothing: the difference is too great!" are biased and do nothing to help Chinese people understand the other side's point of view. What a pity they can't be more objective.

Feb 04, 2015 10:03 Report Abuse

Sinobear

Chinese will have to get used to the retirement home option - after all, a married couple that requires two incomes can't take the time to support up to 12 retired family members (let alone how they can afford it).

Feb 03, 2015 18:59 Report Abuse

mike695ca

I dont think that will happen.Old folks homes are pretty expensive here. My wifes grandpa was in one. Its was more than 4K a month plus an extra few grand for a nurse once his health failed. Plus tips and bribes for actual care. I just dont think most can afford it. Plus his home was a dump that smelled like piss. They chose it because it was across the street from one of the kids. I cant imagine how much a livable one would cost.

Feb 03, 2015 22:53 Report Abuse

Garbo

The mother-in-law in scenario one was a but strange to sell her house and expect to live with her daughter. Never asking first is a problem as seen with the TV in the next scenario. It doesn't help that they're so uneducated compared to the son-in-laws.

Feb 03, 2015 18:18 Report Abuse

tsmithfi

Yea....a chunky who's so fat by Chinese standards, she cant even get a foreign husband....:-(

Feb 03, 2015 12:53 Report Abuse

royceH

Blah blah blah...... But I'll tell ya one thing and I'm not jokin... My MIL doesn't give a rats arse about her daughter and never has... So you can call me 'O Lucky Man'!

Feb 03, 2015 12:04 Report Abuse

tsmithfi

Lucky Man :-)

Feb 06, 2015 09:12 Report Abuse

mike695ca

My favorite part is how they talk about Western culture like they have some insider knowledge. " Sending an older relative to an old folks hone is completely normal " oh really? Is that the case?? " Their marriage was very western, everything was 50/50" Oh i see THATS how a western marriage works. Everyone i know is doing it wrong. I wonder how many stories they could find if they actually talked to married couples that had pride?? You know, that could support themselves.

Feb 03, 2015 10:20 Report Abuse

Stiggs

Chinese people often ask me 'what do foreigners do / think / believe in this situation.. (insert random situation here). I usually end up saying something like it depends on the individual, then just get a confused look from them. I think that because their lives are so bound by rules, duties and customs that have been around for 5000000000000000 years,and that here is no room for being an individual or thinking outside of the herd mentality they assume that everyone else in the world has this same herd mentality, just with different ways of doing things. Add to that the 'fact' that waiguo is one place, therefore everyone outside of China- or at least everyone with white skin - has one way of doing things and you can see where these stupid articles come from. Trying to convince anyone the world just doesn't work that way would be hopeless because the newspaper said it was so, and the author of that article probably got his inside knowledge from watching the big bang theory or Titanic.

Feb 03, 2015 21:19 Report Abuse

RiriRiri

Here's the saddest part: Wenxuecity, which ECC often uses as a source, is actually a news portal for Chinese expats abroad. So they should actually have insider knowledge. But they don't. Most of their articles are made up stuff, just like this article. And be fortunate, ECC spares you the comments, which are in majority insults from racial supremacist web warriors.

Feb 04, 2015 08:14 Report Abuse

tsmithfi

So true :-)

Feb 06, 2015 09:11 Report Abuse

Guest2301262

"In terms of Chinese traditional culture however, sending a relative to a nursing home is seen as extremely disrespectful." Face losing is more accurate. From the oldies point of view many take it as they are being dumped as garbage. To be fair, the condition of the majority of old age homes in china do justify the term garbage station. You would find your time better spent talking to a tree than discussing what being respectful entails with mainlanders. Just look at how they cross streets, drive, yell at their mobile, elbowing into/out of subway trains, the dancing aunties with full blown speakers....etc. not to mention the things they do during international flights. It is easier to get an elephant dance than ruthless savages understand what respect is, such as respecting other people's property, and privacy.....how many times were you asked loaded questions like where do you live?

Feb 03, 2015 10:11 Report Abuse

Mateusz

Even for an article from a Chinese site, this is pretty ethnocentric. "Poor A could not go back to China and had to spend the rest of her life lonely in a foreign country." The guy was also living in a foreign country, but of course, China is the center of the world. "Foreign" can only be applied to countries that are not China. This article managed to tell three stories of overbearing mothers in law attempting to control the lives of their son in laws, including forcing themselves into the men's homes, and taking over, until the guys reach a breaking point. Despite the sense of entitlement the mothers had, they still are painted as the hapless victims, because they're Chinese, and evil sons in law are waiguoren.

Feb 03, 2015 10:02 Report Abuse

Englteachted

Chris, your being short sighted and narrow minded. This is coming from a biased Chinese person. So it is likely to not be true. Maybe the guy had money to support himself and did not need more income. Maybe he was working in the social services field for low pay. Either way the daughter won out. Citizenship is priceless. And the mother was trying to use that to benefit herself. She unilaterally made the decision without even telling or consulting the couple.

Feb 03, 2015 14:59 Report Abuse

Englteachted

Great article albeit one sided. And please think people, this is a translated article. If you have a functioning brain you could see through the BS.

Feb 03, 2015 07:37 Report Abuse