The other thing I've learned a little about is what is called 'Love Skills.' Now fortunately, I haven't encountered 'love skills' and how they are suppose to work, except on a few occasions. All of these were from apparent 'love interests' of someone I was acquainted with. The 'love skills' were being employed to, I suppose, let me know that they were interested in me. Sadly, these 'skills' aren't understood by a Westerner and will result in having the opposite effect that they are intended to have. It seems to me that it is a bit of what Westerners would call a 'love game' and usually not attempted by most people (especially in the West). They aren't used in the West because they wouldn't be at all effective in my home country, the USA.

 

What I've learned about 'love skills' is, that a female will say hurtful and very negative things to a male that they in fact, want to attract or believe that they are in love with. They will attack his character and scrutinize his actions and interpret them in a way to show that he is a bad person. I've also learned that it is a way to show interest in a man that you want as a love interest or boyfriend. Once the bad things are sad, he is suppose to respond by defending himself and trying to convince her that he's not all the bad things she said about him.

 

I suppose this strategy works well with most (perhaps not all) Chinese men. But, we in the West are completely unaware of these 'love skills' and we will respond exactly the opposite of what might be expected by a woman who would use this strategy to win a man's love. Simple put, with foreigner men, it won't work.

 

Westerners value words and take them at face value. If you tell me, 'I hate you', then it is my belief that, well, 'you hate me.' If you tell me that 'you're selfish, greedy, unkind, uncaring' etc., then, I think you mean what you say and nothing else. So naturally, though we might feel hurt by your words, we will respond by realizing that you don't like us. 

 

Now for me personally, I can accept that someone doesn't like me. As I've said many times in my life, 'I'm not attracted to someone who isn't attracted to me.' I mean it only makes rational sense to me. Why would and how could I love someone who doesn't love me? Perhaps when I was in middle school and very, very, very insecure, I might feel that I could 'fall in love' with someone who didn't like me. However, I would say that at least since graduating from high school, I would never consider trying to win someone's love who didn't love me. Part of the attraction to someone is that they too are attracted to you.

 

I might 'fall in love' with some famous movie star, but, I know the real possibility of them ever loving me is very, very, very unlikely. So, I let go of that fantasy and look for someone where there is a mutual attraction.

 

Dr. Phil McGraw, a very famous television host and author in the USA, said in his book, Life Strategies, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone tells you how they feel, believe them." In the west, we understand 'hate' as 'hate'. We understand criticism as disapproval. Men or women in the West aren't looking for someone to 'change them.' We look for love and mutual attraction and acceptance.

 

We aren't taught 'love skills.' Neither boys or girls are taught these things in the West. We take words and actions at face value. If you say 'hate', that's what we think you mean. If you say, 'I don't like you', we think that 'you don't like us.' If you say, 'I never want to see you again', we understand that to mean, 'you never want to see us again.' Such 'love skills' aren't taught or practiced by most westerners. I'd never heard of them until I came to China.

 

Lao Tse said, "Words pierce like the arrow to the soul." Words are powerful and words are important. Westerners take them for what they say. If someone means the opposite of what they say, we find this very confusing. To us, it would be a guessing game that most westerners aren't willing to play. A kind of 'reverse psychology' that would be very ineffective in the West and result in the opposite effect that what might be intended.