Why it’s getting harder to marry now

Why it’s getting harder to marry now
Erichu Jan 19, 2014 19:50

According to Xinhua.net (prominent Chinese news network) the unmarried rate in China has increased almost 20 percent from 1995 to 2005, and this rate is still increasing in 2014. Why is it so hard for people to marry nowadays, especially in big cities such as Shanghai and Beijing? Well, lifestyle changes, cultural expectations and the thinking of young adults are probably the most obvious reasons.

 

Differences in Rural – City Lifestyle

 

The phenomenon of high unmarried rates appears in most developed cities, but we hardly see it in developing cities, such as Henan, Shanxi, etc. This is because the living standard and lifestyle in these cities are totally different. In developed cities, people have a lot of pressures such as work, living and earning enough money to survive. Shanghai, for example, has sometimes such extreme living pressures which make it unbearable for the local Chinese at times. Most young adults need to work more than 8 hours and go back home very late (accounting also for long travel times). That means they have only a little time to do what they want. This decreases any chance of meeting with others.

 

Changes in the way Chinese communicate

 

In addition, the development of technology makes people prefer to stay at home. Online chatting makes it possible to stay at home and chat with their friends. But it limits the possibility to find a girl/boy to get into a relationship with. Shanghaiiese really don’t spend much time outside these days for reasons such as pollution, crime and general lack of facilities to do this. Although wedding websites now is also developed, people still refuse to accept other people from website. Most of them do not believe it is authentic. This won’t happen in some developing cities, because they have more time to stay at home and the comparison pressure is not as high as cities like shanghai.

 

Marriage is not everything anymore

 

Another reason is that, the idea of young adults changed. In the past time, people want to get married as early as possible. In tradition, a man should build up his own family and a woman should find a good man to marry and have many kids. The origin purpose of marriage is to raise more children and make a man’s family name continue. However, nowadays people received more and more modern thoughts from other countries and become international. They do not want to get married so early and the purpose of marriage is no longer just for children. They want to find true love in his/her life. So, it becomes not easy to find such a couple to marry with.

 

Your parent’s status

 

There is one very serious reason is that the limitation from parents. This limitation includes many things: the number of houses, cars, the amount of money and their status. It is really common to hear parents asking their child whether your boyfriend has a car/house? It is understandable but it is definitely hard for young adults. Housing price is still increasing now and the salary of most young adults is not high enough to buy a house or a car. 

 

Tags:General Relationships Language & Culture Lifestyle

17 Comments

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mike695ca

Can you blame women for wanting security? I get that house and car is hard. But pretty much everyone i know has managed. A middle class lifestyle isnt too much to ask if you ask me. The vast majority arent demanding a benz. Houses are expensive so you must live outside the city center so a car becomes a neccessity. Makes sense to me. And it is a buyers market. Women outnumber men and can choose to be with who they want. Sure its vain and theres a lot of gold diggers around but there are absolutely plenty if girls tgat just need a little security. We as foreigners should understand. Mostly live in fear. Dont trust banks. Police. Government. Could be kicked out at a moments notice. Hell these girls cant leave. My wife comes from not a rich family but a secure one. She knows shell always have food and a roof over her head. So theres never been talk of a dowry with her family or pressure to buy houses. More of a "if we can afford it " attitude. I think youll see that more as families gain security.

Feb 20, 2014 21:14 Report Abuse

expatlife26

No I absolutely can’t blame them and that’s kinda my point. Life sucks here for average people and I feel for them, although I find their behavior generally annoying. Even though things have gotten better, there's still that survival, security-seeking mentality taught by the parents/grandparents and maybe it is still somewhat necessary. I just think that the alternative to success here is so objectively shitty that things like cars/houses become so key. I don't think anyone is unreasonable wanting to be at least middle class. Shit...that's what I fought so hard to get out of teaching.

Feb 21, 2014 10:39 Report Abuse

adamgan

One would rather cry in a BMW than laugh on a bike, which is the notion that most women hold and believe in today. Nonetheless, it turns out that those who have a much higher status of happiness are those who are not so wealthy, yet seeking true love with a plain heart to pursue the true meaning of life. We kinda lose ourselves in the ocean of material wealth leading us to illusively believe that money is everything, but it just turns out not. Life is a journey in which one is supposed to serve for the good of the public, to care for people around you, to share love with others, to fulfill your responsibilities, to advance the value of human beings among many other things. However, we've gone too far from our nature.

Feb 18, 2014 15:17 Report Abuse

expatlife26

Why do you think that "those who have a much higher status of happiness are those who are not so wealthy"? I'm not being a jerk i'm asking if there was a study done about life satisfaction in China. In the US, studies show happiness and income go up together until about $70,000...so once you get to a certain level of comfort, more doesn't make you happier. I think it's wishful thinking to want to believe that rich people are all these miserable 'Scrooge' types. There are wealthy people who really enjoy their lives in a way that isn't mean-spirited or exclusive, but isntead have a lot of fun working on classic cars and travelling to exotic places. There are also a lot of bitter, ignorant people who are poor. Wealth doesn't imply wickedness and poverty doesn't imply righteousness. Or vice-versa.

Feb 21, 2014 11:11 Report Abuse

adamgan

Well put. I must confess that I've made some mistakes. What I intended to say is that "exceptions can be made that many those who have a much higher status of happiness are actually those who are not so wealthy", sure I'd like to say "thank you" 'cos my point doesn't hold water with part of it missing.

Feb 24, 2014 15:46 Report Abuse

coineineagh

"Western thoughts" are hardly an additional problem. They're one of the few mitigating factors that allow for people to still have a relationship/marriage. Having realistic expectations is one of the definitions of adulthood, and Chinese would do well to swallow their pride and learn from us.

Feb 18, 2014 14:53 Report Abuse

louischuahm

95% of my friends are locals. When we talk about this issue, most reply that they cannot afford to get married. For the women, they expect the husbands to provide after marriage. They also said that without a house and a car, they wouldn't even consider getting married. So, for women, it's security first before anything else. What's worse is that they said that even if they don't love the man, it's okay if he can provide a comfortable marriage life. For the men, the high cost of getting married is the real problem. The dowry itself is about 100k, house 700k, car 150k and marriage preparations another 100k. Granted that the house and car can be bought on mortgage and hire purchase, they still need at least 500k to get married. How many of them have that sort of loose cash? Women here don't believe in working together to build the family. If the man can't provide to their expectations, then it won't happen. Men here say that women are too unrealistic in their expectations. Times have changed and it is no longer easy to make a living. With home prices out of reach to the vast majority, the number of unmarried people will increase. Women will continue to look for wealthy men and men will continue to work their butts off for a pittance.

Feb 08, 2014 16:49 Report Abuse

expatlife26

Not surprised to hear that! Unrealistic expectations mean no one gets married.

Feb 10, 2014 09:34 Report Abuse

Erichu

Yes, I agree with you. But there are still a lot of young couples that get married. In China we call it“ nude marriage”. These couples do not have cars and houses. So what's your perspective about this kind of marriage? It's definitely different from what you said.

Feb 23, 2014 16:34 Report Abuse

louischuahm

Well, that's my experience with women in China so far. ALL of them want a house and a car before getting married and both must be registered to their name. I'm just wondering, if they get divorced later, would the Chinese law apply that everything gets split evenly? Or the woman keeps everything because it's in her name. The other thing is, men seek security as well but not in the material sense. Women can't guarantee the man that she will not back out after he buys the house and car. Equally, women wants the security before marriage. So this becomes a Mexican standoff. People who get married without material demands tend to stay married longer. That's the case where I come from. Both get married and start building their lives around it. Unfortunately, it is not the case here.

Feb 23, 2014 18:57 Report Abuse

JeanF

I hope so !!! Let's get all "Nude Married" or remarried !!! Ha ha ha and let's show our happiness to the women in Gold Cages !! HA ha !!

Mar 20, 2014 20:18 Report Abuse

hbwoodburn

I'm curious, are dating websites as prominent as they are here in the US? I feel like every time I watch TV I see a commercial for another matchmaker website. Not I don't believe that''s the best way to meet people, necessarily, but their presence would show a market demand in the population for that kind of activity.

Jan 30, 2014 09:51 Report Abuse

expatlife26

I think a lot of it is due to unrealistic expectations. I feel like nearly every Chinese person (understandably so because being a have-not here is a objectively a pretty miserable life all things considered) feels the need to 'marry up'. I mean when you look at the demographics it's almost 120 men for 100 women of marriage age...you'd think there wouldn't be any single women at all! But the reality seems more like 100 women competing for the 20 men who can provide the modern lifestyle they all want. Don't get me wrong...i'm not blaming them one bit I wouldn't settle for the life of an average local either, it's just a shame for everyone involved that people's expectations developed a lot faster than the economy. What do you think Erichu? I'm really interested in your perspective as a native Shanghainese.

Jan 28, 2014 09:38 Report Abuse

Guest1015198

I fully agree with you. Expectations is very high from the girls because of the parents. For example I am a foreigner, I am 50 years old and my girl friend is 20 years younger than me. The parents asked me for 200.000 RMB to marry her. An amount to compensate for the age difference. I have been in China for quit a while now and unless I marry a leftover or a divorce woman then I have no chance but to pay money.…I don’t want to marry her…the pressure comes from girls, again because of the parents.I have to say that with all respect for the Chinese culture…I am getting tired of hearing about it every day…who cares attitude is what I do now. Let them deal with their problems …and please don’t spread your single girls and this cultural problem onto other countries.. Development comes with a lot of changes in society…we are far from having gay marriage…far from having kids in a couple without marriage…far form just having a BF GF relation based on love and not money… this society is suffering development , urbanization and resistance to Cultural changes….It’s normal…once the old generation is gone , than this new generation can get married without parents consent . All developed countries had gone through rough times with the industrialization and development …To all Chinese who are not married yet. Welcome to the world of Economics

Feb 19, 2014 16:57 Report Abuse

juanisaac

Divorced women with children are also picky. I am all for women being safe and choosing a good man, so some discernment is needed. However, there has to be a limit to expectations as well. I've been on dates with two divorced women with children, and I got dumped twice already! Now I have given up on having more dates with them. I hate listening to "If we get married we need to buy a house." This from women who already own houses, what!

Feb 20, 2014 19:52 Report Abuse

Erichu

Hi,expatlife26. Sorry about taking so long to get back to you. From a shanghaiiese perspective your statistics are correct, but I think in real life it is not that bad. Most girls I know are a bit more realistic and that is unlikely they will find a rich guy to love them. Whilst it's the wish of many shanghai girls, most are sensible enough to realize they need to marry someone who doesn't just have money but other qualities as well. So perhaps in big cities like shanghai we are very practical people and so we adapt ourselves to the situation I think.

Feb 23, 2014 15:49 Report Abuse

expatlife26

Interesting...I think shanghai in general is ahead of the rest of China. It's funny cause I think in some ways the richer the average person is...the less people think about money. There are tons of guys in the US who have some money and still can't get a date. In Shanghai the average person is doing ok...so no need to focus only on marrying wealth.

Feb 23, 2014 17:14 Report Abuse