So I have managed to survive three months in the enigma that is Beijing and to be honest it feels like I have been here years. That might suggest that I have settled into the city and it made it my home but that is not quite the case. In fact I sometimes wonder if any “laowai” (the term used by locals for foreigners – although I have heard it literally translates as outsider or alien!) can ever fully integrate into the culture in China or indeed be permitted to do so. Of course there are people who do just this but I assume (I know, I know ….to assume makes an ass out of u and me), that is primarily a result of a relationship with a Chinese lady or guy, which is something I cannot see on the horizon for me.

So how can I explain the contradictory feelings of feeling alien yet settled? It's hard to say really. Perhaps the fact that I find Beijing weird and wonderful in equal measure provides a counter balance for the negative and positive aspects of life in Beijing. I am neither at home nor lost here, I neither hate nor love it. But surely I could not be indifferent to such a multifarious lifestyle and city?

When I think back to why I gave up a well paid career to come to Beijing to teach English as a foreign language I can hardly recognise my naive train of thought. I would embrace the way of life wholeheartedly. I would make lots of Chinese friends. I would learn the language. I would be something of a Celtic Goddess to the locals. I would “find myself”!! I cringe when I think of these guileless aspirations. Perhaps Beijing has made my thinking more sophisticated...or pessimistic!

So anyway I arrive in Beijing a red headed, be-freckled 36 year old Irish lady ready to slip into a new world and off the radar of Western culture and I get collected from the airport in a very snazzy Buick and driven to my fully paid for modern apartment in Yizhuang – a very affluent district of Beijing. Where was the rickshaw? Where are the hutongs and the houses with the multi inclined roofs? Hmmm – not the ideal start for a soon to be adopted member of the Chinese community! And so it began, the slow decimation of my Chinese dream. Let me offer a couple of examples of what I struggle with in day to day life here.

Squat toilets. I cannot get used to hovering over a hole in the ground to go to the loo (particularly on a night out in heels with a few Tsingtaos on board). However Chinese people can be equally disgusted by Western toilets and I can see their logic in terms of actual contact with the toilet. Having said that my disgust is often compensated with the hilarious chinglish signs or graffiti, for example a bar in Houhai has a sign over the squat toilet reading “Shit is forbidden here”, making it doubly hard to balance as you giggle.

Spitting. I cant help but recoil at the guttural noises that frequent the streets of Beijing as throats are cleared for the emission of phlegm -and spitting happens everywhere and anywhere. It's funny to see Western heads turn and their faces grimace at the noise and action that at home would be considered rude but here is not just normal but essential. Turn the tables however and blow your nose in front of Chinese people and be prepared to be on the receiving end of stares of utter disbelief and disgust as I learned in my classroom when 16 three year olds stopped in their tracks when I blew my nose and looked almost frightened.

Pollution. Speaking of emissions, coming from beautiful Ireland it is incongruous to me to have to wear a mask in order to breath properly. Yes of course I had heard the stories about the smog in Beijing prior to coming here but nothing really prepares you for it. Having said that it's amazing how you can adapt and when the sky is clear and blue you would be excused for thinking there is a flash mob performance of The Sound of Music in the parks of Beijing with an outpouring of Westerners practically skipping whilst inhaling the clean air.

Transport. I struggle with the concept of beeping the horn on your vehicle (and I use that term loosely thinking of some of the contraptions I have seen) as a national sport and I have issues with involuntary suicide which is basically what happens when you get in a taxi in Beijing. Yes its a city with a population 5 times that of my home country and everyone is in a hurry to get to their destinations yesterday! Such is city life I suppose but is there really any need to actually cut the seatbelts out of the back seats in the taxis? Now the metro system in Beijing really is fantastic. It's clean, cheap and easy to use. Two Yuan (20p) no matter where you go across the city, no zones, no restrictions, make it fully accessible for everybody in the city, which is how it should be and everyone uses it. Which may be why I am developing claustrophobia. Rush hour in Beijing's metro makes the term “sardines in a tin” seem positively spacious.

Hot Water. Chinese people can be very hospitable, often offering you a cup of water (nobody really uses glasses here apart from the bars). As an Irish native I can struggle slightly with the heat and humidity and an offer of water is like music to my ears, and then I get handed a cup of hot water. It is another alien concept to me. I like cold water when I am too hot! However I must admit I am being slowly converted to the virtues of hot water with a squeeze of lemon and I can live with putting hot milk in my tea. I really must draw the line at warm beer though, come on!

 Cutesy sexy. Maybe it's because I am 36 but there is precisely zero chance of me wearing cute kitten or bunny ears as an attempt to look sexy which is something I see Chinese girls do all the time. Hey if it works for them great but I can't help thinking it looks ridiculous especially when you see a bunch of western guys wearing them in Sanlitun on a Saturday night in an attempt at reverse psychology. In addition, if I ever have a boyfriend in Beijing (which is highly unlikely and a whole other blog) I would forbid him to dress in the same top as me. His and hers just don't do it for me, God forbid my guy would look better in a top than me, which lets face it is sure to happen. Nonetheless the matching outfits are certainly one way to ensure people know you are a couple and can be interpreted as a sign of commitment? Or am I clutching at straws with that one?

Language. I cannot speak Mandarin and surprising few Chinese people I have encountered can speak English. As a European I am so damned used to getting by on snippets of other languages because the rest of the world speaks English! Lazy I know! Well not China! And fair play to them! I mean why should they? I am in their country I need to adapt. But Jeez have you tried to learn Mandarin! I mean I am now on a slow and steep learning curve that might see me being able to ask for directions and order something beyond “mefan” or “mien” before my year is up. But to converse freely in Mandarin for prolonged periods of time in anything that could possible resemble meaningful conversation as opposed to the nonsensical stringing of vocabulary together combined with ridiculous animated facial expressions and OTT body gestures to just about convey what I am trying to say, is something of a very very very distant dream. But learning the language is very important to me so its a struggle I shall endure and like they say if it was easy everyone would be doing it!

 Stares. I am not a Celtic Goddess to the locals. Why? Because why the hell would I be! Yes I have long curly red hair, I have freckles everywhere, I have bright blue eyes, I have large boobs. I am the polar opposite of the typical Chinese woman. Sure I get stared at… a lot, and yes some of the staring is, I think, because they find me attractive (particularly from the older workmen on the metro who have no issue with either drooling or groaning as they fix their eyes on me). But more often than not I get stared at, as does every westerner, because I am different. These stares more likely to translate as; “ Have you seen what she is wearing” “Look at how crazy her hair is” “Look how fat she is” (I am a regular UK size 12). My decided aloofness and pretence that I do not notice any of this happening just adds to my peculiar status rather than conveying idol qualities!

Ok so the above sounds like a bit of a rant but I hope you are picking up on the fact that the things I find difficult/strange also amuse me and in fact somehow act to endear Beijing to me. Yes! In spite of, or maybe because of, all the above grumblings, China is working for me. Like many people who leave a career and a country and a life behind, I came to China because I am searching for something. As yet I do not know what that is or if it even exists (hey I love a challenge), but what I have found is that China and my way of life here has provided me with some kind of escape. I feel released from the social boundaries of home, I feel free to actually be myself and not project a better image of me. I go to work in flat shoes and no makeup which for me was totally out of the question at home. I get to see different things every day of the week. I get to eat fantastic food (clearly evidenced by my expanding waistline). And I think this is happening, quite ironically, because I have not slotted directly in Chinese culture. So I have managed, to a degree, to escape the constraints of Western culture whilst simultaneously avoided (or failed miserably) integration into Chinese life.

Cultural limbo is allowing me to balance the difficulties of Chinese life with the freedom of my new life. How refreshing.