You see all sorts of people on the Chinese metro. From the toddler with a hand in her mouth to the hobbling little old man who can no longer stand up straight. Most of these people slip by unnoticed. They sit or stand quietly, their eyes most likely staring into the screens of their smartphones. But some people leave quite an impression. And we’re not just talking about the people with questionable fashion choices. We’re talking about the ones that downright annoy you. Maybe you didn’t notice it much the first time they did whatever it is they did. Maybe not the second time, either. But day after day, witnessing the same deplorable act or awkward situation for the umpteenth time… even the most well-mannered person cannot help but create their mental own list of annoying people. Here’s mine:

1) Seat snatchers
It’s rush hour and you’re waiting for the metro. Your legs are a bit sour—you’ve walked around a bit too much, and when the train arrives, yes! Empty seats! You could really use an empty seat at a time like this, and what’s more, you’re up at the front of the line! So you’re going to sit on that welcoming seat and cruise the rest of the way home. The doors open. But before you even take your first step, you are thrown aside like a pacifier from a wailing baby’s high chair. Five or six people charge past you, proclaiming their battle cries as they do so. It’s a furious game of musical chairs and the DJ has just pressed the pause button. Within two or three seconds, every seat in sight has filled and you’re stuck standing for the forty-five minute ride home.

How to deal with them: If you’re anything like me, you’ll just suck it up and stand the whole ride home. And you’ll do that day after day after day. But maybe you’re not like me, and you’re going to take a stand...by sitting. Because there is only one way to fight the Seat Snatchers: you must snatch the daylights out of their seats. Next time the doors open, charge in like the foreign beast you were always meant to be. Shove that nine-year-old out of the way (not actually advised) and leapfrog over that migrant worker’s luggage. Set your buttocks on that sticky seat and enjoy your prize.

2) Young people (fake) sleeping to avoid giving up their seats to old people
We’ve all seen them. An elderly woman who can no longer stand up straight hobbles onto a full train and is forced to stand. Meanwhile, a couple of twentysomethings have dozed off, exhausted from a long day’s work and…wait a minute, they’re not asleep, they’re faking it! First of all, they only got on the train one stop ago. Second, if they were actually asleep they would miss their stop. Third, that many people could NOT have fallen asleep so conveniently at the same time. You’d give them “the look” if their eyes were open.

How to deal with them: Shun. Shun them with your eyes. They can’t keep their eyes closed forever, because they have to check whether or not they’ve reached their stop. And when their eyes open, be sure that the first thing they see is YOU. And you better give them “The Look.” You know, this one:

3) Men taking up too much space on a bench because their legs are apart
Ah, yes. Nothing ruffles your feathers like three men taking up a five spots because each is doing the sumo-wrestler squat. You want to sit, there’s obviously space, and yet there they sit, oblivious to the world, legs so far apart they might as well be in stirrups.

How to deal with them: You can stay standing like a meek, polite, frail economic girly-man, or you can march over there in all of your laowai glory and squeeze your cheeks into that seat like it’s the last pair of size 9 Nine West shoes at a Macy’s on Black Friday.

4) The guy trying to squeeze his way in when the doors can’t close
It’s rush hour, and you’re just dying to get home. So are the seventy other people in your metro car. Something is touching you in places it shouldn’t, but there’s no room for you to crane your neck and see what exactly is going on. Some little kid is crying amidst the thick jackets and the smell of bad breath, but you can’t even see them.
What you do see, by the doorway, is a man who is trying his hardest to squeeze his way into an already-packed car. If he can fit, more power to him. But he can’t. The doors beep, beep, beep, start to close, then spring back. Then again, beep, beep, beep, start to close, spring back. Obviously, the guy can’t fit. He’s holding the entire train up. The conductor’s voice buzzes through the speakers and he’s most likely asking for the exits to be cleared, that is, if you could understand the muffled Chinese. Everyone’s watching as the doors attempt to close over and over again, and Mr doorway-stander guy is oblivious to all the glares on him because he’s too busy playing Cut the Rope on his phone.

How to deal with them: Unfortunately, you’re stuck. Literally.

5) The OTHER Foreigner
You hop on the train, and there he is. The white guy (or whatever). Chances are he’s the only one standing as well, due to a recent defeat in a silent game of musical chairs to the Seat Snatchers. Your time in China has taught you how to tell the difference between a long-term expat and a spring chicken, and this guy has spring chicken written all over him: his haircut, his clothes, his cologne...everything. You want to go up and start a conversation, but he seems more interested in his perusing e-book than talking to you. You start re-evaluating whether or not you should start a conversation at all. After all, you don’t know the guy and you don’t want to be rude. Plus the only reason you noticed him was because of his race. That’s totally racist, right? Truth is, everyone expects you two to bond. Maybe he expects you to bond with him too. You catch yourself thinking too much over someone whom you haven’t yet exchanged a word with. How does someone you don’t know have so much power over you?

How to deal with them: Don’t be a ninny. Go up there and say “hi”, if it’s making you think so much! He’ll either be so used to it that it doesn’t faze him, or you’ll make a fool out of yourself and quickly fade into obscurity afterwards. But let’s face it. You aren’t going to do it. You’re just going to stick your hands in your pockets and awkwardly avoid eye contact with him. Yup, called it.

6) The Musical Beggars
Silence is good. Silence is awesome. What’s not awesome is that loud Chinese folk music that started blasting from out of nowhere. It’s sound comes closer and closer, like a marching procession, until finally you see a hobbling couple wearing suspiciously-clean rags jingling a little container filled with a few loose coins. As they pass, one of them lightly tugs on your outer coat, chanting xie xie peng you in a soft, seemingly rehearsed voice.

How to deal with them: You’ve heard the stories about “professional beggars”…but they look so old and feeble! And who would intentionally sign up for such a humiliating line of work? Maybe, just maybe, they are the real deal. What do you do? While pondering over it, you actively avoid making eye contact with them, like they simply don’t exist. You feel guilty that you’re acting like they don’t exist, but you’re guilt has you frozen like a deer caught in the headlights. And that blaring music is not helping. Finally, simply by doing nothing, they decide to move on, leaving you to feel awful about yourself and the state of humanity. But hey, at least it’s quiet again.

7) The Noisy Gamer
Just after The Musical Beggars have left, you are interrupted by a pew-pew-pew sound coming from the smartphone or tablet of some guy in his early twenties. You can hear every single laser his spacecraft shoots at the enemy and every power-up ability he selects. He seems oblivious to the fact that no one around him wants to hear his game. Maybe he assumes that if it’s fun for him, it must be fun for everyone else too. Or maybe he’s just an ass. I’m going with the second option. You glance around. It’s clearly bothering the people around him, but they say nothing. You say nothing. But it’s a long ride, and you hope he’s getting off at the next stop. What do you do?

How to deal with them:

 

Answer. Freaking. Solved.

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Keywords: People on Chinese metro annoying people in China rush hour commute in China